Loving Jesus

Happy birthday to me!

If you ask me to give thanks to God about anything one sure thing I will say is that thank you Jesus for “being mindful” I haven't been able to get it out of my mind that Jesus mind is full of me. I am in his thoughts. My mind isn't even full of Jesus and it just happens to pop there once in a while. I am in awe because I am so underserving of this kind of love. I honestly can't fathom it and just like one Hillsong dong, it's indescribable.

I woke up one morning with the thought of me being a love being. It kept on ringing: "Dudu, you are a love being, you have a huge capacity to love." The scenario that came to my mind was when I was watching The Chosen, Jesus and his disciples walking extra three miles for their enemy. I gasped and said, "No, not me!" I sighed. I didn't believe it because prior to that time, I have been seeing how I can be so wicked to people at times, how I don't like to reciprocate love or engage in a love walk that will stress me.

I became bitter with myself, not knowing that such things are to make me see how inadequate I am in my soul and how God wants to instruct me to measure up to Him because He is love. I further became angry at anyone who would see me and say words like ‘Dunamis, she's so sweet’. Then my tongue became sharper, and I avoided those kinds of people who, to me, were messing with my mind.

But again, in God's mercy, I woke up again one day around the first week in August and those words came again: "I am a love being." It registered: I have the capacity to love, even though I am not seeing it, it's there. I have the capacity to love Jesus, and for me personally, it begins from loving His people.

It's a new year for me to love guys, watch out! ( Don't think I am too excited, the thought alone makes me tremble, if you know what I mean)

Now, I am not gonna write about all the things I didn't do in this past year or obediences I didn't fulfill - naahhhh, they were a lot! But grateful, I grew much more on the inside. I see no insecurity as to my person in a measure. I became someone who checked intentions more. I see that I have become slower in my actions, there were times I stopped to check what I was doing if God would have me do it. Dunamis last year was so rash, I know it because it was one of my prayer points that Jesus should help me be slow to speak and not do things so brashly and if anything should be done quickly, I should be led like that. My low self-esteem is gradually disappearing, guys. I am believing in God more now, and deep down, I know he has placed me where He wants me to be.

There's this confidence in me now that God has changed me from that scared little girl who only used her smile to cover up her state of being afraid to a very bold girl who wants to love it all for Christ - maybe not so bold yet, but using places where I am lacking to help me grow has never surprised me more.

Finally, I am so happy that I am not what I was. I am a year closer to the throne, I can see commandments meted out for me already - meekness, lowliness, obedience. Scenarios for me to play it out are waiting. Lowkey, I am so happy I am still a young girl; nothing gladdens my heart more.

I am 19, going on to 20.

10 years ago I was 10, now I am old enough to realize that nothing in my life has ever been a coincidence, God has been carefully crafting it all along, I am no longer a teenager and I am becoming a young lady, who's ways of seeing things is being crafted, being remolded, I am becoming different from how the world would hope for a regular 20 year old to be, I did not develop super powers nor do I have one special talent somewhere.

My identity is being shaped, and my definition of life is definitely changing

Soon I will be 25, much better than I was at 10, at 20.

And only three things I pray:

To see thee more clearly

Love thee more dearly

Follow thee more nearly

day by day

By Jesus teaching me to live one day at a time, I am closer to the throne than I was a year ago.

#a fiery 20

#Not what we were

#aged 20 to Love Jesus.

Happy birthday to me!

My songs: First Love

Awake my soul by Brooke ligertwood